Night of November 7, 2009

Written on the 8th of november

I had a strange dream last night that was surprisingly pleasant. I dreamed that I was in some sort of class, and I met a guy and his friend. We had some trouble with our teacher, but he was defeated, and this guy and I started to talk and flirt. He was Asian, possibly Korean, about 5'11" or so, well-dressed, and he told me he worked for the FBI in their video games division, which makes no sense to me. Later on I also found out that he was a lawyer.

His lecherous father made a pass at me, for which he was very angry and partially disgusted, but seemed to view me in a new light when I told his father off and especially told him that his son surpassed him in every way. For some reason or another, I had to move into his house and stayed in his room, though always chastely clothed and he gave up his bed to me and slept on the floor. We would go out and drive around and talk for hours, and I had never felt so safe and loved and warm with anyone in my life. At one point, his friends joined us (including the friend from the class) and they had plans to go to LA. He told me that he would drop me off at home and I was hurt that he had not wanted to include me in his plans. I assumed perhaps he did not care for me after all, but when I got home I found a note from his friend that said I had impressed him a lot and that he was most likely in love with me. Flash forward a little bit and it appears we were married and woke up in bed with him cuddling me and telling me he loved me. I dont' think I have ever felt so happy in my conscious life, much less in my subconscious.

The dream ended with a feeling of dread where I felt as if he was going to leave me. Perhaps it was because of my despair at ever having something like this happen to me, or perhaps it was my brain kicking me in the head and telling me it was too good to be true or that happiness just doesn't happen. Regardless I would like to hold on to the wonders of that dream and forget the ending.

Perhaps a large part of my recent depression is loneliness. Is it still depression if it stems from loneliness? I am more inclined to believe that the loneliness was a trigger. Or maybe my brain is desperately trying to find a solution and I have convinced myself that love would solve my problems. All I can hope for now is that I have another wonderful dream tonight.